Thursday, July 18, 2013

Laugh in the Face of Perfection

There are times when it doesn't matter how much effort you put into something, how hard you try to achieve your goal, or what the end result is. There are times when you look in the mirror and feel that you are back at square one and nothing has helped. You close your eyes, turn in different angles, adjust the light, and do whatever you have to do to look like that new person. Sometimes it just isn't enough. Then people tell you that you are crazy and you DO look like that new person it really angers you. Part of you wants them to agree with you that you are once again that fat, acne covered, out of shape person.

That is how I have been feeling lately - I have gained a little bit of weight, my acne is back, and one of my health issues has returned. It is enough to make me want to just give up - to just let myself be that person again. I look in the mirror and I see that fat girl again: the girl who though had quite a lot of confidence in public, in private was ashamed of her body. Then I get on the scale and realize that I have only gained back 4 lbs.

Still, it is enough to make me feel like that girl again and what do I turn to to calm that? Food. I've never had a problem with junk food. I eat almost all organic. I don't eat anything that comes in a frozen tray. My problem: I eat TOO much. Even if it's healthy, organic, and good for me anything in too much quantity can be bad for you. There is also the fact that last week during our appraisal of the company I ate out EVERY day for lunch.

Then it struck me - I'm NOT that girl. So what if I gained a little bit extra, so what if my face isn't as clear as it has been this past year. Sitting around downing organic pretzels, excessive amounts of coffee, and unfortunately at times - candy (especially anything sour) won't solve anything. Instead this week I've stepped up my work out routine (with the aide of my fitbit which will be the subject of next week's Techy Tuesday), cut down on my portion sizes, switched up my face washing routine, and limited the times I eat out.

Then another thing struck me - I'm ALLOWED to have these feelings: to feel like I'm a bag of flubber, to feel like my face is exploding, and to obsess over the un-toned feel of my skin. Because you know what? It's called being human. NO ONE is perfect and hell I don't want to be perfect. I want to be ME and this version of me if just like any other version of me. I have never changed as a person and I've gotten along just fine at any size/image I've had. That being said I'm striving to look better not for anyone but MYSELF. 

*This has been a pep-talk with Sam by Sam. You may now return to your regularly scheduled programming*

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